IFS Basics: the Internal Family System - allies or enemies within?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is often misunderstood. The name might lead people to think it's about their external family—like family therapy or Family Constellations. But in truth, IFS is all about your inner world—the emotional and psychological “parts” that make up your internal system. Like a family, there are parts of all ages, from tiny babies to parts that claim to be older than you, and every part has its own beliefs, fears, and ways of protecting you.
On the other hand, when it comes down to describing the interactions between the parts, the name is spot on. As I described earlier, there are parts that act like fiercely protective parents, or older siblings. Then there are the vulnerable little kids or wounded adults they guard. And just like a family, these internal parts can work together—or clash.
Alliances in Internal Family Systems Therapy
There are pairs or groups of protectors who get along well and form alliances, especially among protectors. For example:
A striver and a perfectionist teaming up to get lots of stuff done as well as possible.
One part might "delegate" tasks to another—like a planner who makes decisions, and a doer who carries them out.
These alliances often reflect cooperative efforts to keep the system safe, productive, or emotionally stable. Over time, though, these relationships can shift—just like any family dynamic.
Polarizations: When Parts Are at War
A key feature in IFS therapy is noticing when parts are polarized—pulling in opposite directions. This often shows up during IFS sessions when a therapist asks, “How do you feel toward that part?” and another part immediately reacts negatively.
Some parts, just like some family members, dislike, or even can’t stand each other. You can think of these parts a bit like warring siblings, where one has a strategy for ensuring the health and happiness of the system, and the other thinks that strategy is a terrible idea and is only causing trouble.
Here are examples of polarisations between a protector and an exile and between two protectors:
A critical protector constantly shames a vulnerable part (exile), thinking it will motivate change.
A restrictive manager wants to control eating infuriated by a firefighter uses food to soothe pain. Both are protecting an exile who was shamed for their weight
Think of it like two sailors pulling opposite sides of the same rope—trying to stabilize the ship but actually creating more turbulence.
How IFS Therapy Creates Harmony
In Internal Family Systems therapy, healing begins when the Self (your calm, compassionate inner core) starts listening to each part with curiosity and care.
When two polarized parts are present, I’ll often:
Help the client unblend from the parts, so their Self energy can come forward.
Give both parts space to speak and express their concerns.
Validate each part’s experience, so it feels seen and less reactive.
Sometimes, the feelings of one or both parts will be so intense that it won’t be possible for the client to unblend, at which point I’ll ask to speak to the part(s) directly, eventually aiming to spend roughly equal time getting to know both parts.
Change Within the Internal System
As therapy progresses, parts begin to unburden the painful beliefs or emotions they’ve been carrying—often for years. When one part heals, others take notice. They may also start to let go of rigid roles or behaviors.
Sometimes, parts don’t even realize another part has changed, even if it’s a part they were protecting—especially if they haven’t “met” before. (Some internal families just don’t communicate well!) That’s why it’s important in IFS to introduce parts to one another as healing unfolds.
The ripple effects of this work often extend to real-life relationships. Clients report being less reactive, more grounded, and better able to set boundaries with family, partners, or coworkers.
Ready to Explore Your Inner World?
If you're ready to navigate the complex and beautiful maze of your internal family system, I’d be honored to support you. 👉 Book your free introductory session here.
